Fear

Fear surges through me as I try to break contact, but they are set staring into cold ice blue eyes. They almost seem empty- a quick glance I would have seen nothing.  But I chose to stare into them, and now I’m terrified of more than these eyes- I am afraid of what I see in them. I see part of myself, the part that I hide away from everyone, the part I hide from myself.  I see myself alone. I know why. The pair of eyes is hollow; even though they hold a spear that leaves me an empty shell without a soul. Even my childhood fear of the dark lingers in the pair of eyes. All insecurities staring back at me, the truth piercing into my heart, and tearing me down.

 I jump back when the beast snarls, and suddenly I am staring at the jaws, the shout, and the long shaggy fur clumped together. My legs lock as my mind races, trying to pull me away from the monster that knows me too well. The whole beast terrifies me and I cannot run in fear that I still cannot escape. I fear that the beast is stronger than I.

 My eyes carefully wander to the chain wrapped around the beast, secured with a heavy lock. It isn't free. It is contained. It tugs fiercely, but it only chokes itself as the chain stays where it is. It's only free once the lock is broken.

 That’s when I know. I have what the beast will never have. I turn around, my knees still weak, but my mind trusts enough to know that I can turn my back. I confidently take each step forwards, leaving the beast in my past- to never see my future again.

The beast snarls, barks, and roars, daring me to take another step.  But the beast is from behind, where I left it. The voices from the past cannot and haunt me.  I can hear the hunger in his voice. It thirsts not only for my blood, but to tear apart the precious and dear that I hold in my heart. The creature wants to destroy what he can never have.  This time, fear does not hit me. I have gained my courage.  I turn and face the monster, ready to confront it.

 "Beast," I say, uncurling my fingers, showing him the key in my palm, “I am not stronger than you- but that chain is. I trust the chain to hold you while I walk. Why should I be afraid of a wolf when I hold the key to free him?"

 

Light from a lampshade

:3 Flattered Fool

So, my younger sister decided to start blogging. :) She says it's going to be about her life and "her side of the story"- so basically like mine but from a younger age (jr high). She's really new, in fact she just set up her blog.  I'm super excited to see if her blog is going to go anywhere, or be like mine, with few, but awesome readers. ^w^' 

p.s. Note to the stalkers- stalk her and I'll hunt you >:(

>> Her site:  http://ninjassideofthestory.blogspot.com/

D: OH NO!!!

SO... for some odd reason, my blog thinks that ANY anonymous posts are spam posts, and they won't show. :( I love getting comments, and I don't want to change my settings so that anyone who wants to comment has to have accounts- because honestly, that sucks. I see them in my email, but they just don't show on my page! Do any of you who own blogs know what I can do?

Things are going to get better

I thank my teacher as I walk out, but before I can take a step out of the classroom, my teacher asks me to come to the desk to have a quick word. Suddenly I'm worried. What does my physics teacher have to say to me? Am I in trouble? Later in our discussion I find out that definitely isn't the case. He just wanted to point out to me that he's noticed a huge improvement from last year in my chemistry class.Last year was difficult for me. It was literally one bad thing after another, and I struggled to hold and keep my head high.

First, my parents divorced because of my father's abuse for my mom and any of my siblings that tried to stand up for her. Then right after that my mom couldn't stand the social pressure of the neighborhood we were living in, so she announced we were moving near my aunt's for moral support. She also added she was going into nursing, so instead of being home all the time, she wouldn't be there at all.

Moving for the first time in my life, I went from outgoing to what my mom called a wallflower. I felt I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always so stressed about her college classes that me being lonely would only add onto it. I managed to make friends, and join my school's flag team. Still trying to not give into my pain, I avoided homework and I flunked. It was a miracle that I wasn't kicked out of my team.

The most I could do is tell myself to carry on. At the end of the term I set a goal- I would start going back to the grades I use to earn- A's and B's instead of C's, D's and F's. But my plans failed my when my friend died, and my new goal was to make it through the day without crying or to simply get out of bed. I just kept telling myself I'd turn in my assignments tomorrow- today was to hard to face. When tomorrow came, it was too.

Finally, school ended and I had to make up all of my failed classes. I couldn't allow myself to fail again. I promised myself that through no matter what, I'd pass my classes with nothing lower than a C. When school started, I stayed up late studying, and forced myself to do homework. At the end of the term, I got A's and B's.

Last week was really hard on me. My mom was struggling with memories of her abuse, and my home was a mess. But I made through it, and today I realized that I'm stronger and so much better than I was last year. Everyday I notice that instead of something tearing me down, there is something to look forward to. I cannot wait for tomorrow, last year I would have dreaded it. When things were getting worse and worse, I kept telling myself that things were going to get better. Although they exactly weren't then, they are now.

From now on, I know I can go through anything. And when the worst comes again I'll just remember I'm one step I was yesterday.

Alone

Unendurable

Dreary
Misunderstood

Alone

Sobbing
Darkness
Hurt

Alone

Alone
Alone

Support
Hope
Trust

adopted
cherished
loved
supported

surrounded